We are all Bizarre

Aside of the cinematic experience, which i intend to not discuss right now, classic movies are pure gold. The originality? The honesty... always makes me feel dumb and smart at the same time. Imagine, a whole 90 minutes about someone's day off of school which turns out to be so adventurous and years later be the inspiration of one of the most famous comic-book movies in the world (clearly referring to Ferris Bueller's Day Off reference on Deadpool here). 

This time, i want to talk about Breakfast Club, which i have just rewatched it again recently! Where David Bowie's Changes was shown at the beginning of the movie - which then made me think like THINK.

So, it started with five high school kids locked up together in a library, up early in the morning for a Saturday detention. First of all, as always, they get us confused, i had no idea what was going on. It was so absurd, but the good kind of absurd. They were just explicitly judging(?) each other?? For almost a great 1/3 part of the movie? Until nobody realised when conversation subtly turned into a much deeper conversation; things the youth, even nowadays Youth, concern. Strict parents, difficult times at school. Their mutual secrets. They hated each other, they argued, but at the same time, they knew it, they knew how they actually share the same problems thus they found some sort of instinct to finally conceal each other. 

Let's be honest here; The Breakfast Club starts perfectly and what's better is that the quote really reflects what this movie all about!! How they think their parents and teachers hurt them mentally. And.. yea. I find it so... Real. We were all once confused teenagers, don't we? I've read someone said that Changes is Bowie's teenage anthem, no matter which year this song comes from and Yes, Yes It Is Indeed True.

"Don't tell them to grow up and out of it" 

The song captures the feeling of uncertainty of being young. The peer pressure, the anxiety of being a failure in front of our parents and teachers at school. How we are blamed for things they thought we did not understand. What actually still happens now, Bowie sang it all. It didn't even pressure me to be nostalgic, it just naturally exist, spoke to many people's angst filled teen years.

Also.. When Carrie said,

"What would happen on Monday? Are we still friends?" 

It hurt, ok!! Carrie thought it would be impossible for a girl like her to be friends with a guy like Brian. It just did not work that way in their life. Brian cried. It might sound too cliche, to not being able to befriend someone just because of That. But, i could actually believe her cause It really happens? I've seen and experienced it. How you be friends with people in the same popularity level as yours; The Irony :-))

The message about how we are not meant to impress anyone in our life is too relevant to not be talked about. It can be expressed that in the end of the day, you are not entitled to anyone's happiness, but your own. Since, sometimes we find ourselves unconsciously worried about what other might think or feel towards our actions, and it can get too much sometimes. 

Human interaction is that complicated, which makes probably a good sign to continue my long-due classic movies marathon for a while!

🤮

Writing this on October 15th, 4.17 in the afternoon. Quick updates: i feel like throwing up (???)

First of all, i have made a dinner reservation later today and i just think i don't want to eat that much (cause it's a buffet), so i'm somewhat nervous about wasting good foods. But then i realised that i was just being too much, cause i should be glad instead that i had this plan to eat nicely on this specific date. It would be a time well-spent with my friends, whom i hope are hungry enough.

Secondly... i'm in a panic mode over the long list of to-do's that i have to tick off. Just booked a one-way ticket home, which is in two weeks so... it would be great to actually move and finish the list. Not just "thinking about it and imagining how easier my life would be if i do everything soon."

Okay. Let me breathe and have a lil chit-chat with myself. Do i feel grateful with my life? Did i call my mom everyday? Have i accomplished the wishes from last year? Did i take care of my body well? I'm really trying to think about it as i write this paragraph. Yes, i do feel grateful. Even i feel SO grateful than how i've ever been before. I'm happy i've been healthy, i did not lose my belongings as often as i used to, i managed to finish my study with satisfying results, i could acknowledge and appreciate what i've done more. I also called my mother more frequently! So i think i made a good progress so far?

Anyway, exactly at 00.00 today, she wrote me a short text. Simple wishes that might sound moderately sweet but, forgive my suddenly sensitive emotional state, made me cry for a short few minutes. I even told her i love her, and i missed her. I don't do it so much, it felt good though. My brother also called in the morning, after some attempts to called earlier, and 'earlier' here equals to 2 or 3 am when obviously i was asleep. He wasn't specifically being sweet, cause basically he's not that kind of person? It was sweet in his own-way-sweet. He's been so busy with school stuffs and he told me he's doing well, telling me many updates on his life. In fact, although i won't say it's often but he still spares his time to randomly call me sometimes. As random as talking about medical references on Greys Anatomy or just.. nearly anything, anytime that he feels like it. 

Some friends also called me, which left me on this tiny and sudden realisation that they really are the friends that i should keep forever. They just genuinely exist beside me, without me needing so much efforts to secure them in my pockets, cause they just don't leave? Low-maintenance friendship is the kind of friendship that should be appreciated more.

So, all these thoughts, coming from also the fact that i'm going back home soon after two years. For good! Looks like in the end buying a one-way ticket yesterday was a good decision, cause it was SO difficult to not delay the flight further to November.. or even December. It was simply a sign i would never be ready to leave this small town. But, thankfully, my own birthday could be a good motivation to just snap it off. No more letting myself thinking too much cause ...for what? It was something impulsive i never knew i needed.

I'm writing this inside my favourite library, but i'm leaving soon. Feels like i've told everything i wanted to. And now, i have decided to sign off and enjoy a little walk before finally eating the good Asian buffet in an hour.

Bye! 

The Collection Story Op. 2

Recently, the discussion about mental health awareness has been catching people's attention, or at least people around me. I don't think previously we cared enough to talk about what to do/where to seek help. Especially in the place i grew up, this issue was, how should i say this.. strange? 

Talking about it from my own experience, i've never thought that my friend's problem had something to do with mental health, despite of the symptoms. Can't tell you much about it, but i could say i kind of blamed myself for not being more sensitive. I cared, but i didn't have much references to what i should do, what could i say to not hurt/make her feeling better. But anyway, i'm so thankful of this arising understanding about it, more people would get better help.

Anyway, the reason i'm writing about this is because recently there was someone i liked who passed away. I did not know him personally, but hearing the news was suffocating enough and i didn't even expect i could feel this much hurt. It was not the same level of sadness as having a family member/friend gone, but still, it gave me pain.. Many news coverages said he ended his own life and later found out that he had a depression - judging from a letter he left to someone. Though after all, only him & God know why he chose this, everything is just a speculation. In the end, i chose to not dig too much about it, i just let myself mourn & feel empty. I wanted to just cherish & remember him as a source of joy who carry around happiness (cause he was and will always be remembered like that), and thought he would like everyone to do that way? 

Took me a while to not getting too much emotional every time his song was shuffled on Spotify - now i can listen to The Collection Story Op. 2 on loop all day long with a better feeling. 

Farewell and thanks! You have given people hope and strength and We Love You Always!! 

How to be grateful

It's 22.41, which means in about an hour, it's already another day.

There are a few reasons why I've always had mixed feelings about this kind of day. Firstly, it is a birthday, my birthday. Secondly, I realised it lately, the older i get, the harder and longer it takes me to know what i really think of it. 

As a kid, birthdays became the day where i get so much attention that i wanted. It was the day i got to ask for presents and cakes. I was a lucky kid though, my parents loved me. They often cook me good foods, took me out for a nice dinners out, rewarded my good behaviours with stuffs i liked: books or barbie dolls. Even i had my own birthday celebrations with some classmate and the theme was Disney! 

Growing older, i felt a change. Birthdays gave me different feels. Of course, i felt happy when my family congratulated me in the birthday mornings and all, but i was sure that was really, the only thing i needed. Growing up meant you got more friends. The amount of attentions, too, kind of grew a lot. Kind of bigger than what i usually could afford. Those birthday greetings in the school corridor... Not that it was unpleasant, I was just simply confused to mentally prepare my own responses. Should i smile? Should i just be excited without too much smile? Should i sing along when they sing the 'happy birthday' song....? 

I didn't know why it matters, it just happened. It's just one of my anxiety episodes. What i have on my mind doesn't always show well, not in my facial expressions, or even words i convey. I've tried to make attempts on changing though I don't know yet if changing would make it better or worse. It was like playing puzzles, some pieces were just somewhere, you wouldn't know the whole picture before you put everything where it fits. So, it went on and on until i graduated from high school. 

Entering college, i felt like i was in a whole different world. I started to express myself well, started to learn how to respond in different situations. As i got much closer with some friends, birthday celebrations turned into things we have fun with. Different birthdays, different ways to celebrate. They were really, really fun. Though birthday attentions still had me struggled, i handled it way better. You know what's cool? It's been 6 years and this routine has not even stopped!! We kept celebrating each other's special day foolishly. Their attentions started to turn into something i really cherish, i look forward to - cause i know well they do really care and want to make me feel happy. 

The time i understood that, i began to think how what i've suffered all this time was actually nothing. I was just afraid to accept people's feelings cause I never thought people could actually care. I had never believed my presence could mean something. I looked myself low, i didn't know how to give and take kindness well. All i knew was that i was not more than someone just passing by other people's life without really giving any meaning. 

But, i think it doesn't bother me anymore. I have learned well! Birthdays are fun.

Happy October 15th and happy birthday to me. 

Talking about the weather 24x7

May is coming!!

Me ++ along with everyone else is expecting more sunny days. Like real sunny days without the pretty snow?!

April was supposed to be the start of spring since the flowers have started blooming everywhere. But it somehow described 'a perfect depiction of Swedish weather.' Things were funny in April, how I woke up on a sunny day yet it rained ice in the afternoon. Even sometimes the weather could change 3 or 4 times within a short time, like 'I swear it was sunny 5 minutes a go but look now it's snowing!'

I'm not complaining here, 'weather' is just a very good choice of topic. Anywhere, anytime. You can just casually say "today's weather is so nice" if you don't know what to say. Either you really mean it or not, weather has always been something people put attention to. Weather application is too, very appreciated. Going out without checking today's temperature sounds like a terrifying idea - speaking of personal experiences where I did not wear proper shoes and my toes got frozen badly.

How about now? Have I addapted well? ...I think so? At least now it is easier for me to dress accordingly, somehow reminds me of how I've lost my gloves & broke my umbrella several times (things that happen probably from my natural habit to be clumsy all the time).

Firsts of Things

Just woke up from a pretty long nappy. 10 hours were quite relaxing enough for my dizzy head. 

Can you guess what was my first meal here?

PIZZAAAAAAAAAA

It tasted like heaven. Not that it had the best taste in the world, i was just hungry. No, starving even. After a lovely journey with 2 suitcases and one back pack, how can i not. I ate the pizza in the midst of the uni's arrival day. I still had to carry my babies again back home later, that was why i needed to eat otherwise i believed i'd faint. Not literally carrying it though, just simply pushing all of them with me cause the International Mentor will be taking each of us home by car. 

Anyway, I had a funny story about it. After finishing all the things listed in the arrival day like checking in, buying a new SIM card, getting the free transportation card etc, all the new students had to stand in line before going home. To cut it short, finally we were on our way home. From 5 people, 3 already got off. Not so far from AF building (the building where we did all the arrival day things). Left were just me and one girl. The mentors kept driving the car yet it seemed like we were heading to a highway. 

Me: are we lost? It must not be this far right? (didn't really say it, just a voice in my head)

The mentor kept going and going until we arrived in a.... building. Well, it didn't really look like a student housing compared to the previous ones where the other students got off? It was still under construction or something. But, this is my new house. Didn't have the pictures yet, will talk about it later. 

Update: i like my new house. Once i entered, it was obvious everything is new. And white. Very.. clean. I like.

---

Here are some random pictures i got in my phone. Bye for now. Night.

(Not) My Kind of Day

Here i am, enjoying the super-fine Chocolate Chip Cream in everyone's theoretically favourite coffee shop in the world!

Obviously, I'm here for some reasons.

• It's my second day back home after a short vacation to grandma's place. I simply don't want to just spend the remaining days by staying at home. It was a torture to just spend your free time doing nothing (if only laying around in bed watching tv shows count to 'doing nothing'). Anyways, it's the second month since i left my job, and i have this thought of "why don't I just go out and not become a couch potato." Thanks to this sudden homework! The one i'm finishing right now, despite writing this paragraph.
• Coffee shop has the ambience that helps me to concentrate better. The sound of cash register, the good music playing from some corners, the busy-baristas activities, the different kind of coffee ordered by the customers (which mostly i haven't heard about before since they are not on the menus, i don't know where they know them, or maybe they are just personal favourites). I sometimes took a few minutes stop from doing whatever i'm doing, and just stare at what's happening around. It's just interesting to watch.