How to be grateful

It's 22.41, which means in about an hour, it's already another day.

There are a few reasons why I've always had mixed feelings about this kind of day. Firstly, it is a birthday, my birthday. Secondly, I realised it lately, the older i get, the harder and longer it takes me to know what i really think of it. 

As a kid, birthdays became the day where i get so much attention that i wanted. It was the day i got to ask for presents and cakes. I was a lucky kid though, my parents loved me. They often cook me good foods, took me out for a nice dinners out, rewarded my good behaviours with stuffs i liked: books or barbie dolls. Even i had my own birthday celebrations with some classmate and the theme was Disney! 

Growing older, i felt a change. Birthdays gave me different feels. Of course, i felt happy when my family congratulated me in the birthday mornings and all, but i was sure that was really, the only thing i needed. Growing up meant you got more friends. The amount of attentions, too, kind of grew a lot. Kind of bigger than what i usually could afford. Those birthday greetings in the school corridor... Not that it was unpleasant, I was just simply confused to mentally prepare my own responses. Should i smile? Should i just be excited without too much smile? Should i sing along when they sing the 'happy birthday' song....? 

I didn't know why it matters, it just happened. It's just one of my anxiety episodes. What i have on my mind doesn't always show well, not in my facial expressions, or even words i convey. I've tried to make attempts on changing though I don't know yet if changing would make it better or worse. It was like playing puzzles, some pieces were just somewhere, you wouldn't know the whole picture before you put everything where it fits. So, it went on and on until i graduated from high school. 

Entering college, i felt like i was in a whole different world. I started to express myself well, started to learn how to respond in different situations. As i got much closer with some friends, birthday celebrations turned into things we have fun with. Different birthdays, different ways to celebrate. They were really, really fun. Though birthday attentions still had me struggled, i handled it way better. You know what's cool? It's been 6 years and this routine has not even stopped!! We kept celebrating each other's special day foolishly. Their attentions started to turn into something i really cherish, i look forward to - cause i know well they do really care and want to make me feel happy. 

The time i understood that, i began to think how what i've suffered all this time was actually nothing. I was just afraid to accept people's feelings cause I never thought people could actually care. I had never believed my presence could mean something. I looked myself low, i didn't know how to give and take kindness well. All i knew was that i was not more than someone just passing by other people's life without really giving any meaning. 

But, i think it doesn't bother me anymore. I have learned well! Birthdays are fun.

Happy October 15th and happy birthday to me.