The Collection Story Op. 2

Recently, the discussion about mental health awareness has been catching people's attention, or at least people around me. I don't think previously we cared enough to talk about what to do/where to seek help. Especially in the place i grew up, this issue was, how should i say this.. strange? 

Talking about it from my own experience, i've never thought that my friend's problem had something to do with mental health, despite of the symptoms. Can't tell you much about it, but i could say i kind of blamed myself for not being more sensitive. I cared, but i didn't have much references to what i should do, what could i say to not hurt/make her feeling better. But anyway, i'm so thankful of this arising understanding about it, more people would get better help.

Anyway, the reason i'm writing about this is because recently there was someone i liked who passed away. I did not know him personally, but hearing the news was suffocating enough and i didn't even expect i could feel this much hurt. It was not the same level of sadness as having a family member/friend gone, but still, it gave me pain.. Many news coverages said he ended his own life and later found out that he had a depression - judging from a letter he left to someone. Though after all, only him & God know why he chose this, everything is just a speculation. In the end, i chose to not dig too much about it, i just let myself mourn & feel empty. I wanted to just cherish & remember him as a source of joy who carry around happiness (cause he was and will always be remembered like that), and thought he would like everyone to do that way? 

Took me a while to not getting too much emotional every time his song was shuffled on Spotify - now i can listen to The Collection Story Op. 2 on loop all day long with a better feeling. 

Farewell and thanks! You have given people hope and strength and We Love You Always!! 

How to be grateful

It's 22.41, which means in about an hour, it's already another day.

There are a few reasons why I've always had mixed feelings about this kind of day. Firstly, it is a birthday, my birthday. Secondly, I realised it lately, the older i get, the harder and longer it takes me to know what i really think of it. 

As a kid, birthdays became the day where i get so much attention that i wanted. It was the day i got to ask for presents and cakes. I was a lucky kid though, my parents loved me. They often cook me good foods, took me out for a nice dinners out, rewarded my good behaviours with stuffs i liked: books or barbie dolls. Even i had my own birthday celebrations with some classmate and the theme was Disney! 

Growing older, i felt a change. Birthdays gave me different feels. Of course, i felt happy when my family congratulated me in the birthday mornings and all, but i was sure that was really, the only thing i needed. Growing up meant you got more friends. The amount of attentions, too, kind of grew a lot. Kind of bigger than what i usually could afford. Those birthday greetings in the school corridor... Not that it was unpleasant, I was just simply confused to mentally prepare my own responses. Should i smile? Should i just be excited without too much smile? Should i sing along when they sing the 'happy birthday' song....? 

I didn't know why it matters, it just happened. It's just one of my anxiety episodes. What i have on my mind doesn't always show well, not in my facial expressions, or even words i convey. I've tried to make attempts on changing though I don't know yet if changing would make it better or worse. It was like playing puzzles, some pieces were just somewhere, you wouldn't know the whole picture before you put everything where it fits. So, it went on and on until i graduated from high school. 

Entering college, i felt like i was in a whole different world. I started to express myself well, started to learn how to respond in different situations. As i got much closer with some friends, birthday celebrations turned into things we have fun with. Different birthdays, different ways to celebrate. They were really, really fun. Though birthday attentions still had me struggled, i handled it way better. You know what's cool? It's been 6 years and this routine has not even stopped!! We kept celebrating each other's special day foolishly. Their attentions started to turn into something i really cherish, i look forward to - cause i know well they do really care and want to make me feel happy. 

The time i understood that, i began to think how what i've suffered all this time was actually nothing. I was just afraid to accept people's feelings cause I never thought people could actually care. I had never believed my presence could mean something. I looked myself low, i didn't know how to give and take kindness well. All i knew was that i was not more than someone just passing by other people's life without really giving any meaning. 

But, i think it doesn't bother me anymore. I have learned well! Birthdays are fun.

Happy October 15th and happy birthday to me. 

(Not) My Kind of Day

Here i am, enjoying the super-fine Chocolate Chip Cream in everyone's theoretically favourite coffee shop in the world!

Obviously, I'm here for some reasons.

• It's my second day back home after a short vacation to grandma's place. I simply don't want to just spend the remaining days by staying at home. It was a torture to just spend your free time doing nothing (if only laying around in bed watching tv shows count to 'doing nothing'). Anyways, it's the second month since i left my job, and i have this thought of "why don't I just go out and not become a couch potato." Thanks to this sudden homework! The one i'm finishing right now, despite writing this paragraph.
• Coffee shop has the ambience that helps me to concentrate better. The sound of cash register, the good music playing from some corners, the busy-baristas activities, the different kind of coffee ordered by the customers (which mostly i haven't heard about before since they are not on the menus, i don't know where they know them, or maybe they are just personal favourites). I sometimes took a few minutes stop from doing whatever i'm doing, and just stare at what's happening around. It's just interesting to watch.

Good Coincidences

Blackbird - The Beatles ♬

I just thought about one song and now it's swaying in my ears. This song is quite something to me. Everytime i hear it, my mind travels somewhere irrelevant. Maybe i'm simply reminded by Cam's - Cameron Mitchell - soothing voice and his weird new haircut I like?

And frankly, Cam really reminds me of my favorite local band's bassist. His name is Coki - though I believe it's not his real name. I didn't talk much with him, but I like him. I like how he treated my Mom. As long as I know, he's that polite, though once again I was not that close to him. I know the rest of the band and I'm not having any close relationship with anyone, but I like them all that much. I love them, I'm still listening to their music till this very second of my life.

Too bad that I have no idea where they are. I know I would have a hard time finding something to talk about if we really had the chance to meet up, but I just wanna thank them for all those good times. Thanks for the sudden visit to the hospital, it really did strengthen me. Gave me big courages, more than they could've ever imagined.

Adulting

The end of college life is coming, though it's (hopefully) next year. But, t-i-m-e-f-l-i-e-s. You could be sitting comfortably in your couch, watching Tin Tin munching Popsicle- and within a sip of camomile tea, you're a grown up person with grown-up-people-responsibilities. Grown ups' life seem nice, especially the part they don't have to sit inside a room, studying. With all the sweat earned, they could travel the world without even worrying the shizz slash tough jobs stuffs they're given.

But frankly -- I don't know whether I am ready to be an adult yet. How about you?

Heaven's Light

Baru saja menerima berita duka dari salah seorang teman. Semoga luka yang ditinggalkan akibat kepergian tersebut dapat sembuh lebih cepat dengan adanya teman-teman yang menguatkan. 

Kepergian adalah fase kehidupan yang tak terelakkan, walau entah kapan datangnya. Kepergian adalah misteri ilahi. Layaknya kelahiran, begitu pula kematian. Yakin saja, di sisi-Nya lah tempat terbaik. Terima, ikhlas, dan selipkan nama-nama mereka dalam tiap doa kita. 

When You Want Something But Not Sure Enough

I'm currently facing the I don't know which way to describe how I feel - phase. Haha, I'm actually feeling nothing toward something I've been wanting so much. It bumped and it left nothing on me. Do I still want it? I'm gonna figure it out later. 

Happiness is The Cheapest Thing in The World

Being happy is so relative. Every person has his/her own version of it. I will feel happy when I:

- find cute, cheap dresses on the markets

- listen to certain songs that will remind me to the good times

- happen to go to places with breathtaking sceneries

- have quality times with my family and friends

- get to see my favorite bands live

- can make people smile for my presence

- bring positive vibes to other people

- realized that last night i have a good sleep

- can thank God for everything 

- feel blessed over anything

Well, any little sweet thing happen and it will simply make me happy. 

(Currently writing this and feels happy at the moment)